My brother and sister, I want to start this entry out by saying “It’s OK to be Not OK.” And today, I’m not OK. Or I wasn’t for awhile, and I took it to the Lord, and we’re working it out. I don't want there to be any illusions about where I am. When I shared that I was on my own Healing Journey, I wasn't talking hype or rhetoric, but simple fact. While I've learned some about inner healing, and I've come a ways on my journey, I have in no way arrived, and nor will I in this life.
Musique d'ambiance du jour (mood music of the day): Heart of the Matter by Rob Henley (aka, I think It’s About Forgiveness). Warning: Secular song repurposed for Holy use. If this kind of thing offends you, please skip it. If you're not sure, give it a shot! Oh, and the song is sorta sad, so watch out for that...
There will always be offenses to forgive. And furthermore, you're going to have to revisit some things that you thought you had dealt with before, because they affected you in ways that you couldn't understand earlier, but it needs your attention now.
Jesus stated that we have to forgive 70 times 7; perhaps this is one of the reasons why. We learn empirically, that is to say our theoretical and standing knowledge is updated by our experience. However, we test these things that we learn against more acquired knowledge. The theoretical becomes understanding, which is the basis for wisdom. In short, the more you know, the more you understand, and once you gain new understanding you are in a position to reevaluate a thing. We are being transformed by the renewing of our mind (cf. Rom 12.2).
Forgiveness is not merely a decision, but also a process. This is relevant to our healing because we forgive a person for an incident or a series of incidents, then we learn something new. We re-evaluate in light of this new thing, and we may become offended all over again.
Sometimes we are offended in an even greater light than we were before, and it almost feels as if we hadn't even forgiven them. Rest assured that we have, but we have reached a place where we must forgive them yet again.
This brought me to the place where I was not okay and I sat down to pen these thoughts. And when we are studying and evaluating something with an eye towards sharing, not just the specific areas that are already familiar to us, but peripheral areas as well, we gain more insight and we wind up in this particular situation I have found myself. Discovering yet another area that I have been significantly impacted and having to forgive yet again.
So I didn't understand how deep the trauma ran. But I do know who is in control of the tempo of my Healing. I understand that it was the pace grace of God that kept me from feeling overwhelmed every time the waves would threaten, that He would somehow give me the surfboard of His providence - whether it was His Word, a song, people, a sunrise, a squirrel outside my window; and I would ride those crazy chaotic waves until they subsided and I could breathe again.
I know I said it earlier, and perhaps you have heard it before, but It is Okay to be Not Okay. Under normal circumstances, when these kind of feelings threaten to overwhelm me I Activate a Cycle Breaker: I get into My Word, I meditate, I sing praises and/or pray, I write, I drive somewhere, or any combination of these activities to actively combat the mindset that is trying to settle in and disrupt my ability to function effectually in the here and now.
But every now and then, a Special Grace is laid upon me to simply stay in that moment and to feel what is going on. And I know that is a Grace because I can see the chaotic waves, they're threatening to drown me, to cause me to sink into sorrow or to lash out, but Jesus is the one who calls me out of the boat on this one, and I stay focused on him, and I walk on the waves, or continue my metaphor from earlier, I surf on them.
It's moments like these that I learned that Peter wasn't called out on the water for his own self edification, but it was left on record so that we would know that Jesus will call us out on the stormy waters to show us the dominion He grants us over our storms, and as long as we keep our attention on him we won't falter. But if our faith should stumble and we start to go under, we only need cry out to Him and he will put us safely back into the ship. Side note: If He’s called you to be a healer, He will repeat the exercise until you can walk on those waters.
And there are days that I have stepped outside of the ship, and I have faltered. But today, the tears well up, and the anger doesn't want to subside, but I'm keeping my eyes on him and He’s walking beside me as I re-remember that the storm can’t destroy me, as He walks beside me.
After all, didn’t He state, “Come let us go to the other side?” And what He has begun within us he is quite capable and willing to complete, and this He shall do if we but let him.
Beloved, someone needs to hear your story. Someone needs to know that you still have days where you don't feel okay, that you have days that you actually are swallowed up by the waves, but Jesus pulled you back to safety. They also need to know how you stayed above the water, outside the boat. Someone needs to know that all of this is only by His grace; whether today I sink or swim, He has me, and it is by his grace that I will make it safely to the other side.
This is Part 2 of a 3 part post on Forgiveness. Part 1 can be found here.
Photo credit: HD wallpaper: Person's Silhouette on red textile, sorrow, forgiveness, sad
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